The Trial of the Single Mormon Man,

by D. Bell

This post is inspired by recent events and discussions. By “trial” I don’t mean adversity; I think we can all guess what the greatest source of adversity in the life of the Single Mormon Man is (hint: it rhymes with jelibacy). Rather, by “trial” I mean a legal proceeding to determine a party’s guilt or innocence of a certain charge.

Because I happen to be a Single Mormon Man (SMM), I frequently hear a variety of charges leveled against the SMM (most often by the Single Mormon Woman, who, in this context, serves as the self-appointed judge, jury, and executioner; she is joined in her accusations by bishops of singles wards, anxious mothers and fathers, and the occasional GA).

I thought it might be helpful to open this discussion in the hopes of establishing just what, exactly, are the principal charges being levied against the SMM; this, in turn, will enable the SMM to defend himself, and where appropriate, to reform. To get the ball rolling, here are a few of the counts of wrongdoing of which I often hear the SMM accused:

1. The SMM doesn’t date enough. He just wants to hang out.

2. The SMM dates too much. He’s dating everything with a pulse.

3. The SMM is a commitment-phobic menace who can only be convinced to marry by the barrel of a gun.

4. The SMM is a marriage-crazed fiend, programmed by his mission president to find and marry a girl within a week of the first date.

5. The SMM expects nothing less than perfection of a girl — beauty, brains, spirituality, piano-playing prowess.

6. The SMM just wants a docile, doe-eyed little thing.

7. The SMM is inactive, addicted to pornography, and watches vulgar TV shows.

8. The SMM is self-righteous, pharisaical, judgemental, and Manichean.

9. The SMM is spineless.

10. The SMM is patriarchal and dominating.

11. The SMM is shiftless and apathetic.

12. The SMM is obsessed with money and drunk with ambition.